How to befriend your inner critic

Speakers

Mica Vaipan : Performance and well-being coach. Works with startup leaders and their teams to help them reach their peak performance without compromising on wellbeing.

Dan Murray-Serter : Co-Founder of braincare company Heights , and host of our Braincare Podcast .

(Resources can be found at the bottom.)

• The inner critic is only a perspective. Although it may not be the truth, it’s often worth listening to what that voice says.

• Research indicates our ability to consciously suppress unwanted thoughts is nonexistent- we don’t have that ability. Ignoring emotions makes them stronger.

• It is important to develop an inner coach voice that will help balance the inner critic within us.

Q&A

I’m comparing myself to the expectations & milestones I wanted to hit by a particular age. How do I shift that expectation?

• Your inner critic is presenting a resistance towards the change in the vision.

• Our happiness = reality - expectations.

• We set expectations and when we miss them, that makes us unhappy.

• Happiness comes from living in the now . Create a new vision that inspires you and replaces the vision that has become outdated.

• Be understanding that things haven’t gone to plan.

• Ask yourself: how do you feel you have learned from the experience of things not having gone to plan?

I’m second-guessing my career choice comparing myself to successful people and feel like I know nothing. What do I do?

• Our inner critic can be loud and cause anxiety that prevents us from enjoying the work we’re doing in the moment.

• Understanding and journaling can be a great form of understanding your inner critic. Putting your thoughts on paper can help you liberate your brain, lighten the burden, and help you achieve a sense of flow and enjoyment on a day-to-day basis.

• The only thing we can do is focus on what we’re doing daily.

• Practice mindfulness- try to self-distance from those thoughts.

How do I fight my inner critic?

• Our inner critic is an essential part within us.

• It’s not the function that’s problematic, but instead the way it’s executed.

• The nature of our inner critic’s feedback is almost always negative and comes out in a harsh and unsupportive manner.

• It is impossible to consciously suppress internal thoughts and emotions. Resisting them will only make them stronger, leading to a more violent and furious reaction.

• Instead, leaning into our inner critic will teach us to value, understand, and learn from them.

Techniques to Reframe the Voice of the Inner Critic

• Focus on evaluating your behaviour as opposed to yourself.

• For example, instead of saying “I’m a lousy boss” focus on the behaviour and the things that happened. It sounds like this: “well actually, snapping at my colleague wasn’t very thoughtful or constructive.”

• Rephrase your inner critic's message as if you were to give it to a best friend.

• Combining your inner coach and inner critic creates a winning team.

Perfectionism and It’s Downsides

• Perfectionism is vilified, we often think of it negatively.

• The costs of perfectionism are outweighed by the benefits. Rather than taking a black and white approach, think of how it serves you.

• I’d like to invite you to think of it not as a negative force, but something that is part of you and contributes to your success.

Understand Your Inner Critic & The Empty Chairs Technique

• This technique is a talk therapy exercise in which you express your thoughts as if you were talking to a specific person.

• Place two chairs facing each other. Sit in one, and imagine your inner critic in the other chair.

• You can have a full conversation with them and try to explore and understand what’s driving the harsh behaviour and thoughts.

• This can be a catalyst practice to develop a friendlier relationship with your inner critic.

Resources

• Find out about the mental health benefits of journaling here

• Michael A. Singer’s ‘The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself’

• Rick Carson’s ‘ Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way ’

• Kristin Neff’s ‘ Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind’

• Tara Mohr’s Playing Big

• Eckhart Tolle’s ‘ The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment ’

• Alex Soojung-Kim Pang’s ‘Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less ’

• Alex Soojung-Kim Pang’s ‘Shorter: Work Better Smarter and Less’

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